Thursday, December 9, 2010

Yes, No, Maybe So: "Real Steel"

Mackie say
"Hey Hey Hey, Hugh Jackman is in the house!!!"
Real Steel opens in October 2011. A weird time for a summer movie to open. Except that it's a parody of a summer movie and not an actual summer movie, right? Right. Thought so. What? It's not? ohno. LOLZ

In Shawn Levy's Real Steel, Hugh Jackman builds giant boxing robots to carry on in his manly sweaty boxing footsteps. He now runs a boxing club for robots or something. Or maybe he just visits and trains them? Anthony Mackie plays some sort of mic-wielding emcee.

(omg. please let him battle Eminem again as, like, a cameo subplot. That'd be so sweet.)

So let's give Real Steel the Yes, No, Maybe So™ Film Experience trailer treatment.

Yes. Moments worth watching in the Real Steel trailer: Hugh Jackman in slo-mo;  Hugh Jackman talking. Close up of Hugh Jackman sweaty chest hair in black and white; Hugh Jackman punching the air; Hugh Jackman wearing a hoodie; Hugh Jackman "resting" on the pavement (ouch); Hugh Jackman  Paparazzi!; Hugh Jackman "this is what it's all about!!!"; Hugh Jackman with remote control; Hugh Jackman in sunglasses; Hugh Jackman with sad face; Hugh Jackman shouting "Bring It!!!" no, wait. Nix the last part. He was trying too hard to be cool. That wasn't right. That's the take they used?

No. I don't wanna get too literal about this -- literal is lame when it comes to summer spectaculars -- but the premise doesn't work even by the standards of stoopidity. The popularity of Transformers aside, the reason people like watching boxing is because of the flesh but mostly because of the blood. It's a visceral animalistic thrill to watch people beat each other to (near) death. If there's no flesh and no blood why would feverish bloodthirsty crowds show up? Or is it like strictly the monster truck demolition derby crowd they're after and not a four quadrant kind of thing? (But even then there are actual people in the machines that might get squashed: therefore drama.)  The concept would make more sense if the robots were like androids... but then this would also be a really gross trailer and the movie would be rated R and you can't have that anymore. 

Maybe So. When you have the buffer of a movie star you love, braindead movies can be fun. Unless the dumbness makes the star look bad or like said star is trying too hard and then it just becomes sad.

Please don't try too hard Jackman. Please don't shout "Bring it!" any more. Or maybe whisper it or sing it if you're contractually obliged to deliver the line. That is all.
____- Signed, a concerned Jackmaniac

P.S. ...who would really like you to do a movie musical before you are 80 years old. WHEN?! Stop making stupid movies.

No comments:

Post a Comment